Please don’t say…

Here are my top 10 things NOT to say to a mom, stay-at-home or otherwise in no particular order:

1) You have the hardest job in the world.

There are VERY few people who actually say this sincerely, and it is patronizing to pay lip service to a woman who has chosen to stay home with her children.  Trust me, I have a couple of degrees, I know what a hard job is.  If someone truly understands the 24-7 nature of parenthood, the demand on parents today to give their children everything, and the complete lack of unaccompanied potty breaks then they don’t really use this phrase.  They usually say, “I remember having  ___ kids under 5. It was tough, but totally worth it.”

2) Boy you have your hands full.

Thank you, I know that I have several children with me and they may, or may not, all be paying attention at the same time.  I don’t know if you have ever tried to herd cats, but it is roughly the same concept.  If you want to tell me I have beautiful children, or that you think they are smart or funny, please do.  I can take a compliment any time, but responding to your comment just about hits the limit of my multi-tasking abilities.

3) You look great for having three kids.

CRINGE!  I don’t know how to take this comment.  I know that it is usually sincere, but comes off as a back-handed compliment.   Do you mean that I look a little fat, but that is OK because I have had three kids? When I hear this comment a little voice inside my head says, “Now that I know you have had three children it seems acceptable that you look the way you do.”  Every time I hear it I want to go buy a gym membership I can’t afford and some really sexy high heels.

4) I don’t believe in medicating children.

I think it is FABULOUS that you don’t feel the need to medicate your children.  Please feel blessed that they do not have any difficulties that require medication.  However, until you have walked in the shoes of a woman who has made the decision to medicate her child, I would suggest that this remain an unspoken opinion.  You have not cried with her on a particularly bad day, or felt her exasperation when every other child is able to do something her child cannot.  You have not read every book on the disorder in question and tried every parenting technique to the point that your bedside table looks like the childrearing section at Barnes and Noble.  Because if you had done all of these things I am pretty sure you would at least have enough compassion not to make this statement.

5) I hate it when people post everything their kids do on Facebook.

First of all, I am not interested in everything everyone else posts on Facebook either.  Once you become a mother your life revolves around your children, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom.  From 8am-7pm most days I spend about 30min total with another adult.  I can’t talk on the phone much because the kids go crazy.  Play dates are great, but I spend most of my time taking care of the kids rather than visiting with other moms.  The same goes with the park.  I am starved for a little adult time, so if my pathetic attempts to “talk” to my friends on Facebook are ridiculed by those who think my day is boring, t,hen I suggest those people with more “important” lives remove me from their friends lists.

6) Are those all YOUR kids?

I never know why people feel the need to ask this question.  I am talking about strangers now, not people I am having a conversation with.  Most days I have four children under 6 with me.  I don’t think that is a crazy number of children, though it is out of the ordinary, especially in Williamsburg.  Why people need a lengthy explanation of which children are mine and how old they are in the middle of the supermarket I will never understand. 

7) How old are you?

When did it become appropriate to ask a lady her age?  Seriously… why in the world does the random guy at Chick-fil-a want to know how old I am?

8) Are you STILL breastfeeding?

This is usually prompted by my one-year-old frantically pulling at my shirt yelling, “May may”.  Yes, is apparently not a good enough answer.  People then want to know when I am going to wean her.  I usually tell them that I am aiming to have her off the breast by college and then they shut up.

9) Are you done having children?

Why do people want to know about my husband’s vasectomy or the status of my uterus?  I can understand a friend asking this question… but it is kind of personal for people to want to know about my sex life after having talked to them for 5 minutes.

10) And you still had more children?

I don’t have the easiest kids in the world.  They aren’t blobs; they aren’t particularly good listeners and they are very active.  But YES I had more children even though my first was active and not a good sleeper.  I had more children even though my second was difficult to breastfeed and milk protein intolerant.  I love EVERYTHING about my kids, even the stuff that drives me crazy… and I would have more children if it weren’t for that damn vasectomy….