A Little Christmas Fun: Top 7 Creepiest/Awkward Christmas Traditions

Another blog by a fellow mom made me think of this list:

My Top 7 Creepiest/Awkward Christmas Traditions: (In no particular order)

The song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: 

This song is on a CD of Christmas music that I listen to with my kids, and now I have an urge to toss it out the window.  My children are completely confused by this song.  My 5 year old wants to know if the song his about me, his mommy, or about another mommy.  He is extremely concerned that I could be kissing anyone but his father.  My 3 year old has it in her head that it is the father that sees the mother and Santa kissing, so I am picturing a shotgun situation every time she asks questions about it like, “Why is the daddy creeping down the stairs?”

The Elf on the Shelf: 

We have one, and I like that my kids behave better when he is here, but I still think he is creepy.  I am old enough to know that he is not really watching me, but I have seen too many horror movies to really be sure….

The song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside”:

 I truly believe this is a song about a man putting ruphies in a woman’s drink.  Here is an excerpt with the really disturbing part in bold.  For those who are not familiar with the song, the woman is singing the first line and the creepy man is singing the part in parenthesis.

My mother will start worry
                   (Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor
                   (Listen to the fireplace roar.)
So really I'd better scurry,
                  (Beautiful please don't hurry.)       Once the flattery doesn’t work…
but maybe just a half a drink more.
                  (Put some records on while I pour.)
The neighbors might faint
                  (Baby it's bad out there.)               He moves on to warning her….
Say what's in this drink?
                 (No cabs to be had out there.)
I wish I knew how
                (Your eyes are like starlight now.)   Meaning, the drugs are working…
to break this spell.

Run. Get some help!

I believe that after this song is over she passes out and my only hope is that her pacing father gets in the car to look for her…

Sitting on Santa’s Lap:

In the days of yesteryear, when people trusted one another, and the culture of fear we Americans have cultivated was still in the future (Thank you Dateline and 20/20… seriously, everything can kill you.), taking your child to sit on a strange man’s lap seemed like the thing to do right before Christmas.  Now, even though Santa might have the best of intentions, I can’t help but feel strange about putting my child on his lap.  I don’t know him… and I am always telling my children not to talk to strangers, but here I am putting my children in Santa’s arms.  Not only that but then I have to pay $20 for a picture of the whole strange situation.

Secret Santa:

Now this tradition is not quite creepy, just awkward as far as I am concerned.  Usually you end up pulling the name of someone you don’t really know very well and then you have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what to get said person that doesn’t require you to spend a ridiculous amount of money.  I know there are some terrific secret Santas out there, but I am not one of them.  I know the recipients of my gifts have always been a little confused, maybe even annoyed… like “What was she thinking?”  Can’t we just buy gifts for our friends and families, people we supposedly know and be done with it?

The Office Christmas Party:

 When I was a teacher, our “office” Christmas party was $25 a head (tacky) and “Santa” was the principal who was WAY to interested in people sitting on his lap.  I am sure there are places where people like their co-workers enough to spend $50 on a crappy dinner and sexual harassment, but I have never worked there.   I really feel like there are very few situations where imbibing alcohol with your boss is a great decision, especially since the invention of Facebook.  Wouldn’t most people like to get a check for their share of the expense of the party and then be done with it?  I know I would.  Then maybe I could buy a dress for the party with my friends. 

Reindeer Poop/ Snowman Poop:

Someone actually gave me Reindeer poop last year as a gag/fun gift.  Gag is right!  I understand that other people are probably a lot more fun than I am, but I can not bring myself to eat something fashioned to look like feces.  To each his own, right?  What is next? Easter Bunny poop?  Should I start giving bags of raisins to friends as family as an Easter gift?  I really think there are some things that should just be left well enough alone.

So if you have any ideas about other creepy traditions I would LOVE to hear them!

How we did it…paying off $32,800 in 10 months…

I have had lots of requests for more information about how we paid off our debt in less than a year.  There are lots of financial gurus out there.  We picked Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover as our template for success.  I had heard good things, and I liked that it focused on giving back.  We also enrolled in Financial Peace University, a 12-week class that helps people with no financial background understand things like investing and retirement plans.  I was an English major in college and graduate school, so I never took a business class.  Looking back I definitely wish that I had…

Dave Ramsey suggests that you start your Total Money Makeover by putting away $1000 in the bank.  We already had close to $10,000 sitting in our savings account and were really uncomfortable parting with all of it, so we decided to keep $5000 in the account at all times.  That left us $4000.00 to start paying off our debt.

Budgeting has become a monthly activity in our house.  Paul and I both participate, that way the ownership of our budget is on both of us.  I still pay all of our bills online, but I pay for almost everything else with cash.  There have been studies that prove that it is harder to spend cash then it is to put something on a debit card.  It is even easier to put something on a credit card.  I have envelopes that contain my budgeted amount for each category, like food and medical expenses, and I do not use my debit card except for gas at the pump.

1.     We sold our van.  I had a nice Toyota Sienna with all of the bells and whistles.  I LOVED the van, but we owed $15,000 on it, which was way more money than we had in the bank.  Paul took the van to Richmond and sold it returning with a 2001 Honda Odessey that he paid for in cash.  It is not the car of my dreams but it runs very well and is reliable, which is what is really important.

2.     We used the money that we paid every month for the car payment, around $300 to start paying off our debt.   We also cancelled our cable, which saved us $100 a month.   Our budgeting helped us to save an additional $300 a month, mostly through cutting back on Starbucks, my Target addiction, and eating out.  That $700 a month was applied to our debts in this order.

-       $1200 on a Best Buy credit card

-       $4500 for Ford’s school tuition at OLMC

-       $6,000 in student loans for my graduate degree

-       $8,129 on Paul’s car

3.     We went through our exemptions and changed them to make sure we would get a reduced tax return at the end of the year.  This added about $300 to Paul’s paycheck at the end of the month.  We used our tax return from 2010 to pay Ford’s school tuition in cash.  So with the $1000 between our past cuts and exemptions we just plugged away at our debt.  We also used Paul’s bonus this year to finish off paying for his car. 

4.     Our last source of extra income was to decide to move out of our home and move, temporarily, into the apartment over my in-laws garage.   We have been so blessed to have the opportunity to save this money. 

Paying off our debt is far from the last step.  Our budget, like a good diet, is with us for life.  We put away $100 a month for car repairs, $100 a month for Christmas gifts, $40 a month to pay for our property taxes at the end of the year, and the list goes on.  We are spending the next two years saving money so we can put 20% down on a house with a reasonable mortgage.  Eventually we will sell our home in Williamsburg, but not until the economy recovers and we can break even on it.  When we finish saving money for our new home we will begin:

A.     Investing in our retirement - $700 a month

B.     Putting away money for the kids’ college- $500 a month

C.     Paying off our mortgage- ????

The goal is that we will be able to live with the security that we can retire and send our children to college without the heartache that many people are living with. 

This fasting period from spending has really helped me to see a few things more clearly.  First… I miss my dishwasher.  I will never take that for granted again.  But on a more serious note, the consumerism in our country is OUT OF CONTROL.  I look back and see that I was just waiting for that next thing to spend money on.  It feels good to have the latest electronics, a really nice car and expensive clothes.  I don’t think that I was irresponsible, but in the long run that nice feeling was outweighed by the frustrating desperation that we were trapped in a situation where we would never be able to save money for the kids’ college or put away something extra for retirement. 

I would always have that sick feeling in my stomach as I paid for a cart full of things at Target that were a great price on sale, but that I really didn’t need.   I was so tired of feeling guilty about spending money on myself.  Now I have a clothing allowance and BLOW (money that you get to spend on yourself) every month, so the guilt has vanished.  The kids have a clothing allowance too, so I don’t need to stress when they suddenly don’t fit in any of their shoes, or they decide to grow mid-season.  The fact that I know we have money socked away so that we can pay for car repairs when they come up, or new tires if we need them, helps me to sleep at night where before I would lay awake and stress about our savings account that never seemed to grow. We give away more money now then we spent on my van payment last year.  Why?  Because we have more than enough…

A New Kind of Christmas…

            This Christmas is going to be different.  I still have to swallow back a little regret when I think of Christmas in our house… There isn’t enough room here for a full sized tree, and most of our Christmas decorations are buried in our storage unit.  There simply wasn’t enough room here, plus I totally forgot to pack some of them. 

            This is also the first year that I have finished my Christmas shopping before Dec 1^st.  We didn’t have to borrow from savings or put any money on the credit card.  It feels so great to have budgeted for Christmas.  I don’t have any anxiety about how this month will go budget-wise, and I don’t feel like I over-spent.  Our Christmas morning has never been extravagant, but this year it is going to be more modest.  The kids have so many toys, and we are so incredibly blessed, I don’t want them to focus on the presents this year.  We are trying to do something Christmas-y every weekend as a family to make some really meaningful traditions rather than gifts.

            Speaking of traditions, Elvis, our Elf on the Shelf has made a re-appearance to great success this year.  Ford has been talking to him, and wants to write him a letter to explain his school behavior and how he is going to try harder.  I can’t believe the difference.  Last year he threw a shoe at Elvis because he was convinced he was not real.  I don’t know what changed, but I am not complaining.  His belief only makes it better for the younger kids.

            Besides Ford seeming to actually believe in Santa this year, my best present is being debt free this year.  We worked very hard, and it took us less than a year to pay off $32,000 worth of debt including our cars.  Having more money in our budget makes it possible for us to save more and give more.    We give first, and that is a huge change to our budget this year.  I so admire those people who give a full 10% of their income to the church or charitable organizations.  I hope someday we will be able to do that.  For now we are giving and we are able to save 30% of Paul’s income a month.  Having our focus in the right place has given me so much peace of mind, I don’t really need anything for Christmas.  This is really the first year that I feel content… and that is pure GOLD as far as I am concerned.

Blood Magic by Tessa Gratton

            When I was in the 8^th grade my best friend was a storyteller, by which I mean I could sit and listen to her tell stories for hours.  We were in plays together and liked to listen to Broadway musicals.  She had an amazing voice, could draw beautifully, honestly there wasn’t anything about her that wasn’t artistic.  They say people are drawn to their natural opposites, and Tess was mine.

            Tess gave me books to read that completely changed the person I was becoming.  I am the tree hugging, flaming liberal I am today because my best friend in middle school had more common sense than most of the adults I have known.  She is an old soul.

            When I read Blood Magic I could hear her voice inside my head reading it to me.  There was so much of her in it that I could recognize, and the best part is that it was really well written.  I will be honest, the genre she is writing in is not my cup of tea anymore, hasn’t been for years, but when I started reading her book I couldn’t put it down.  I can’t say the same for The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo or any of those Twilighty books.  While their content might be interesting to some, I find myself cringing when I read the dialogue or internal monologues of the main characters.  Tessa’s book is different.  She has a rich sense of language that comes from having read voraciously since she was a child.  Her setting, which is as much a character as the protagonists, is beautifully rendered without being cheesy or boring.  The book also has a natural flow, which is a difficult feat for most writers.  Instead of stopping and starting, staggering along as she unfolds each event, there is a real sense that every chapter, each line is planned and specifically placed.

            I might be biased as a reader because I really care about the author, but I am generally more inclined as a person to be critical of literary endeavors.

            I am truly looking forward to the next installment in this series

Life Post-Irene…

           Last week my son started kindergarten.  I didn’t think I would cry, but there I was, blubbering away in the car line.  Ford turned to me and said, “Don’t worry Mommy, I’m still little.” I smiled at him through tears as he got out of the car wearing his uniform and big backpack and wondered where the last five years went.

            Last week I was working on a new system for getting ready in the morning.  I have to have all of the kids dressed and ready and in the car by 7:30am so that Ford can be in his classroom at 8am.  I have a 4.2 cubic ft fridge, two bar sinks, and a microwave to work with for breakfast.  Imagine feeding your family with the equipment you would find in your average dorm room.  I am lucky that my in-laws have been taking care of dinner, but I am going to get creative soon.  I am sure there is a toaster oven dinner cookbook out there. 

            Last week I was alternating between being grateful that my family has been given this opportunity to hit the reset button, and missing my house.  We are putting our priorities in order and learning to live with fewer, more important things.  But I really miss my house.  There is just a dull ache when I think about it, rather than the sharp pain when we were moving, but it still feels like a wound that hasn’t healed yet.

            Today I am writing in a room at the Great Wolf Lodge.  Our suite is actually bigger than our apartment in Hampton, so I am really enjoying the king sized bed and all the extra space.  The kids have LOVED the water park, well Lily hates it, but she doesn’t like the water much to begin with.  We are here because we evacuated the day before Irene hit.  We live on the water now, and the threat of a category 2, 3, or 4 hurricane was just not worth the risk.  We stayed with my parents in Williamsburg for the storm.  The wind really sounded like it would blow the entire house down.  The water crept up in the yard at my in-law’s house, but thankfully did not even reach the same level as Isabelle.  A few more miles inland and the storm could have caused serious damage.  Being without power in 90 degree heat we decided to take a little vacation.  So here we are….   Our room has wi-fi and air conditioning, which seems like a little slice of heaven.  We will head back to Hampton tomorrow, power or not, but for now we are comfortable.  I will be more grateful for my little apartment this week than I was last week.  The kids will be more grateful for their beds and toys.  After all of the damage I have seen on television and Facebook I am so grateful that we were spared.  My prayers go out to the less fortunate.  We have been there….  This is our house near Fredericksburg after Isabelle.

Moving...

You know when you get that feeling in your gut, where you know life is going to change in a huge way and you don’t know if you are ready? I am there right now.  We are moving in two weeks, well less than two weeks really.  We have had our house up for rent for 2 months and we had resigned ourselves to the fact that it just wasn’t going to work out this summer, and then, when we got back from vacation, we had an offer.  The renters are perfect and they will be great to the house.  I have no worries there.  I just can’t stop crying… I NEVER thought it would be this hard.  I moved constantly as a child and I don’t remember it ever bothering me.  Every corner of this house has a memory of my children.  I brought two babies home from the hospital and laid them in cribs here.  I decorated my daughter’s room with butterflies, and she still tells me it is perfect for a princess.

You might wonder where we are moving.   My in-laws have an apartment above their detached garage.  It has two very large rooms and a bathroom.  There isn’t a kitchen, but, let’s face it, I make most of our meals in the microwave anyway.  We will be living there.  Our plan is to live there for two years.  We will save money, pay off the rest of our debt, and buy a new home, closer to them, putting down 20%.  We will be closer to Ford’s school in Newport News, and about the same distance from Paul’s office.  Right now, Ford is 5, Grace is 2 ½ and Lily is a year old.  When we move Ford will be 7, Grace will be 4 ½, and Lily will be 3.  I know they will barely remember this whole experience, so if it turns out to be less than ideal, it will be just a minor blip on their radar… so the problem isn’t them… it’s me.

We built this house with our growing family in mind.  We picked out the flooring and fixtures.  Paul and I spent an entire day debating on the siding color and how it would coordinate with the window shutters.  I had the nursery painted yellow. We fenced in the back yard and put in a swing set for our active son. Each time I found out I was pregnant I planned a room for my child.  I sat in that room and dreamed of their little faces, chubby knees, and sweet smiles.  I feel as if some of that love and anticipation is stored in these walls, like I can touch them and get some of it back. I remember exactly where Grace learned to walk, and where Lily learned to crawl. I nursed Lily in the same chair in her room every night for the first year of her life. I think that if we were going to have more babies this wouldn’t hurt so much, but it seems like the closing of a beautiful chapter and I desperately wish there were more pages.  I know the next chapter is going to be wonderful and exciting, but it is hard to let go of what I love so much.(cue crying here)

Ok.. so in addition to all this sappy emotional turmoil I am also realizing that we have accumulated an enormous amount of crap in the last 4 years.  I have parted with the better part of the baby stuff, but there is a lot of other “stuff” that I have to decide THIS WEEK if we are going to keep, toss, or store.  My brain is about to explode with the enormity of it all.  The apartment is about 1600 square feet and mostly furnished, and we live in a 2700 sqft house.    Normally I would actually enjoy all of this sorting, but Paul is out of town, of course, and I had food poisoning yesterday, so I am less than thrilled about all of the sorting.   

I know all of this falls into what Paul jokingly refers to as “rich people problems”. I mean really, there are so many really important things going on in the world right now.  We are so incredibly blessed, not only with wonderful opportunities, but fabulous supportive family.  I am going to put on my big girl panties and take an inventory of all I have to be grateful for…  gazelle-like intensity isn’t easy, but I am sure the payoff is going to be fantastic.  In two years we will literally not have to worry about money again, barring some kind of disaster, and that is worth a lot of heartache now.

People Who Steal Your Money… or Write Books on Parenting…

            I have literally spent HUNDREDS of dollars on parenting books.  I bought books about getting my children to sleep, ADHD, discipline, and how to care for your baby/toddler/preschooler.  With my second child, Grace, I think I bought seven books about sleep techniques. (She didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until she was 6 months old.) Some of them promised me that my child would sleep in days; some stated that if I let her cry she would be damaged forever.  One book, The Baby Whisperer, implied, rather snarkily I might add, that I was a lazy parent because I could not do the method she swore would work, and didn’t.  The "pick up, put down" method, according to this book, ensures that your child always feel safe.  So every time they cry in the crib you pick them up, and when they settle down you put them down.  Supposedly, after time, the child finds confidence that you are there and sleeps.  Or you pick them up and put them down until you cry, which is what I did.  I have to honestly say I tried this method for three days and did it until I cried, so for two and a half or three hours each time, and my child never gained confidence, but I certainly lost sanity.  The author's next suggestion was that I actually sleep in the crib with her, so that book was permanently put down.

           I am sure SOME of these books work some of the time, but my opinion, as a mother of three kids who has read most of the books on the market is that they are full of sh$t.  I do not use that kind of language lightly, but I would like my money back.  What many parents do not understand is that most of these books are not written to help parents, but to make money.  They imply that you are stupid, incompetent, or worse so that you feel you “need” the advice they have given.  What parents should realize, and what I didn’t understand until I had spent the money, is that you really don’t have to have ANY qualifications to write a book on child rearing.  I was surprised to see how many of the books I purchased about discipline were written by PhD’s who used lab experiments to prove their methods.  Seriously. 

            Here are some books that I WOULD recommend.

Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Sleepsense by Dana Obleman

I could write the list of books I thought were rubbish, but there are too many to name.  Some of them might even work on different kids, but not on mine…

The ONLY ingredient that I think will help parents to get through difficult situations with their children is humor.  I ran across a fabulous book today entitled, Go the F*ck to Sleep.  It really addresses the stress and frustration most parents feel when they are sleep deprived.  If sleep deprivation doesn’t make you very angry, this book will not be nearly as funny for you.  The best part is you can find it on youtube.com  read by Samuel L. Jackson. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeKxIaG_f_c

Make sure your kids are asleep before you turn this on though.  The language is terrible.

I looked up Go the F*ck to Sleep on Amazon.com and it recommended other titles I found equally amusing and lighthearted.  I will also be reading, Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation by Elizabeth Beckwith.  I am Catholic after all…

My advice, and this comes completely free, is that you know your child best.  Don’t buy a book to give you permission to do what you think will work with your child.  We live in a day and age where EVERYONE has an opinion about how you raise your kids.  Before the deluge of parenting books, moms fed their babies how they wanted to, potty trained when they wanted to, and didn’t worry about what the “experts” would think.  Guess what? The experts never raised your kid…

Please don’t say…

Here are my top 10 things NOT to say to a mom, stay-at-home or otherwise in no particular order:

1) You have the hardest job in the world.

There are VERY few people who actually say this sincerely, and it is patronizing to pay lip service to a woman who has chosen to stay home with her children.  Trust me, I have a couple of degrees, I know what a hard job is.  If someone truly understands the 24-7 nature of parenthood, the demand on parents today to give their children everything, and the complete lack of unaccompanied potty breaks then they don’t really use this phrase.  They usually say, “I remember having  ___ kids under 5. It was tough, but totally worth it.”

2) Boy you have your hands full.

Thank you, I know that I have several children with me and they may, or may not, all be paying attention at the same time.  I don’t know if you have ever tried to herd cats, but it is roughly the same concept.  If you want to tell me I have beautiful children, or that you think they are smart or funny, please do.  I can take a compliment any time, but responding to your comment just about hits the limit of my multi-tasking abilities.

3) You look great for having three kids.

CRINGE!  I don’t know how to take this comment.  I know that it is usually sincere, but comes off as a back-handed compliment.   Do you mean that I look a little fat, but that is OK because I have had three kids? When I hear this comment a little voice inside my head says, “Now that I know you have had three children it seems acceptable that you look the way you do.”  Every time I hear it I want to go buy a gym membership I can’t afford and some really sexy high heels.

4) I don’t believe in medicating children.

I think it is FABULOUS that you don’t feel the need to medicate your children.  Please feel blessed that they do not have any difficulties that require medication.  However, until you have walked in the shoes of a woman who has made the decision to medicate her child, I would suggest that this remain an unspoken opinion.  You have not cried with her on a particularly bad day, or felt her exasperation when every other child is able to do something her child cannot.  You have not read every book on the disorder in question and tried every parenting technique to the point that your bedside table looks like the childrearing section at Barnes and Noble.  Because if you had done all of these things I am pretty sure you would at least have enough compassion not to make this statement.

5) I hate it when people post everything their kids do on Facebook.

First of all, I am not interested in everything everyone else posts on Facebook either.  Once you become a mother your life revolves around your children, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom.  From 8am-7pm most days I spend about 30min total with another adult.  I can’t talk on the phone much because the kids go crazy.  Play dates are great, but I spend most of my time taking care of the kids rather than visiting with other moms.  The same goes with the park.  I am starved for a little adult time, so if my pathetic attempts to “talk” to my friends on Facebook are ridiculed by those who think my day is boring, t,hen I suggest those people with more “important” lives remove me from their friends lists.

6) Are those all YOUR kids?

I never know why people feel the need to ask this question.  I am talking about strangers now, not people I am having a conversation with.  Most days I have four children under 6 with me.  I don’t think that is a crazy number of children, though it is out of the ordinary, especially in Williamsburg.  Why people need a lengthy explanation of which children are mine and how old they are in the middle of the supermarket I will never understand. 

7) How old are you?

When did it become appropriate to ask a lady her age?  Seriously… why in the world does the random guy at Chick-fil-a want to know how old I am?

8) Are you STILL breastfeeding?

This is usually prompted by my one-year-old frantically pulling at my shirt yelling, “May may”.  Yes, is apparently not a good enough answer.  People then want to know when I am going to wean her.  I usually tell them that I am aiming to have her off the breast by college and then they shut up.

9) Are you done having children?

Why do people want to know about my husband’s vasectomy or the status of my uterus?  I can understand a friend asking this question… but it is kind of personal for people to want to know about my sex life after having talked to them for 5 minutes.

10) And you still had more children?

I don’t have the easiest kids in the world.  They aren’t blobs; they aren’t particularly good listeners and they are very active.  But YES I had more children even though my first was active and not a good sleeper.  I had more children even though my second was difficult to breastfeed and milk protein intolerant.  I love EVERYTHING about my kids, even the stuff that drives me crazy… and I would have more children if it weren’t for that damn vasectomy….

Supermom Has Left the Building….

           It seems to me that every mom I know is harried.  It doesn’t matter if she works or stays at home, her life has some element of chaos.  I find myself standing in the shower, when I am able to get one in the morning, contemplating all the things that I need to do during the day, and then during the week, and it is just impossible.  Some days I don’t want to answer the phone or check my email because it might contain just one more thing I need to do, or forgot to do, and since I am teetering on the edge, I might fall over.   I don’t know what is over the edge exactly, but if it is less chaotic than where I am standing now, I might have to take the plunge. 

            My mornings this summer are much easier than when I have to drive a child to preschool.  By 9am I have 3 kids dressed and fed and another one dropped off at the house.  If I want to get any housework done I have to do it while Lily is napping around 10am until she wakes up.  When she does get up I have about an hour to an hour and a half to run any errands that need to get done or take the kids to the park or library.  At 12:30pm I make five lunches, feed four kids and put three down for naps.  Ford takes a rest and I am exhausted.  I clean up after three meals a day, make three, try to do laundry, clean the bathrooms, go grocery shopping, dust (well not really, but in theory), vacuum, clean the hardwood floors, run errands...

            As I write it all out it doesn’t seem like a lot of work.  I can’t add in the countless interruptions, both good and bad.  Grace wants me to play tea party. Ford needs some help with his pirate ship.  A child is having a melt down because something is not going the way they want it to (I must admit sometimes it isn’t the child but mommy having that meltdown). 

            Lately I have been wondering what it would be like not to be harried.  If things just got done when they got done and I just stopped worrying about doing everything “right”.  I wonder what it would be like to just let go of that last little scrap of control I have been holding on to, trust that everything is going to be all right, and fall.  I want to remember my time with my kids as something really special. 

            When I look back on my week I can add up about 3 total hours that I spent on myself.  This does not include sleeping or eating, but pure ME time.  I get this time, usually in 10-15 minute spurts, sometimes it is just a cup of coffee before the kids get up in the morning.  Last night I went to the movies with my sister.  That kind of time is the most precious.  Usually my ME time out of the house is at Trader Joes or Target.  The movie wasn’t fantastic, but the company was… and it made me feel like an adult again.

            There are big changes coming… super big… (and no I am not pregnant again, so don’t ask).  Hopefully our lives will move towards that not-harried, peaceful, Zen-like experience that I need for our family.  The theme of this year is: Simplify… I have a herd of gazelles grazing in my yard (if you don’t understand this reference that is OK, but you might want to check out Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover) and a serious plan to peace….  I don’t want to be Supermom anymore.  When I tell people about my life their eyes get wide and they say, “Wow… I don’t know how you do it.”  I don’t know how I do it either, and it is usually a survival of the fittest situation.  Instead I want people to say, “Wow… that sounds like a great week.” … and mean it…

What not to wear, or what to wear…..

            I come to you, valued readers, for some really important advice.  I have been pregnant or breastfeeding since March of 2008, and here we are, in 2011, and I find that I am almost 30, the mother of three small children, with no idea how to dress myself.  Grace, at 2, has more fashion sense than I do.  She knows exactly what she wants to wear every morning.  “Mommy, I wear a princess dress- a pretty dress for a princess.”  When I got married I dressed primarily from Ann Taylor Loft since that is pretty much the young teacher’s uniform store.  Every time I walk in there now I shudder a little to myself.  My husband thinks I dress like a child, but caring for babies is hard work, and I don’t know how to do it in a skirt.  My uniform is usually a tank top, jeans and flip flops… sometimes sneakers if I know I will be walking a lot.  This is not a sexy uniform.  I am not interested in being sexy most of the time, but now and then I would like to look a little more “put together”.

            So the question is…. Where do you shop as a 30 year old mother-of-three?  I have lost all the baby weight from #3, so all of my “fat” clothes are too big.  My clothes from before all my children look ridiculous.  I basically need an entirely new wardrobe.  I really wish there were a service out there that could just tell me what to wear.  I am not interested in being creative or standing out of the crowd.  I just want to look pretty.  I guess my only option is to go wander around the outlets going from store to store… too young, too old… and then buying my kids some new clothes because at least they always look cute…

Telephobia...

My mother and sisters are afraid of spiders.  I don’t really mind them if they aren’t crawling on me.  My brother is afraid of people who don’t make maintaining themselves a priority. My husband is afraid of vegetables.  We all have our fears.  The thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies is the phone.  I hate it and I am afraid of it.  There are more people with telephobia out there than you might think. Here are my top 5 reasons why:

5. There is no escape. The cell phone can reach you anywhere.  In the past, when I wanted to avoid someone or a responsibility, I could just stay away from the house and they could call and leave messages, which isn’t the same as saying “no” on the phone.  Most of the time I have to mentally prepare myself to make or receive certain phone calls.  Cell phone calls are kind of like a sneak attack.  I have trouble saying “no”.  Some people can say this word without even thinking about it.  I have found that I can only say it on special occasions and rarely on the phone.

4. Phone stalking.  Everyone has their personal phone stalker.  Sometimes it is that friend that just calls and calls, and other people are married to them.  Sometimes when I am alone I want to be ALONE and the phone makes that impossible.  Rather than take the hint that I have not answered the phone, these lovely individuals just call repeatedly until they get through.

3. I count rings… When I was in high school I worked at a Chinese restaurant called the Lilac Blossom.  The boss was a total tyrant and used fear and humiliation to get us to work harder.  When you were a hostess you were only allowed to let the phone ring three times.  If it rang more than that you KNEW she was going to be right around the corner to tell you how lazy you were, [loudly] “Izbae (she couldn’t pronounce Elizabeth), whya your sista smarrta than you?  What you do up there?  Maybe I call your sista and she do your job? The phone ring 4 times, disturb whole restaurant, you answer right away.”  So at home, when I am running for the phone, I am counting wondering if a short, dictatorial Chinese woman is going to pop out of one of my closets if I don’t answer it in three rings.

2. You can’t read people over the phone.  They say that 80% of communication is visual.  You can see people’s expressions and their eyes to see if they are agreeing with you or just paying you lip service.   I put my foot in my mouth constantly and I count on visual cues to let me know that I need to apologize, retract my statement, or retreat.

1.  I learned it from my mom!  Ok, so we blame a lot of things on our parents, but this one I can definitely claim.  When we were little it was our job to answer the phone.  I don’t think my mom ever did it.  We had to say, “Hello, this is the Rennix residence, how may I help you?”  We would then tell my mother who was calling, since the phone was rarely for us.  I think we eventually saw that my mother would tense up when she was on the phone and use her “mom on the phone” voice.  When I was older I could even tell who she was on the phone with based on how natural her voice was.  I think every mom masters that transition of, “(angry/frustrated) Haven’t I told you… ring ring… never to… ring ring… climb on the furniture.  Go to your room…ring ring… (sweetly) hello?”  I will say that caller ID has made phones much easier to navigate, but I always feel terrible when I screen a call…

So now that everyone I know that reads this blog knows I am neurotic, and that it is my mother’s fault, I am ready to overcome my fear.  On Friday I will officially become a Pampered Chef consultant, and I will have to use the phone every day to call people I don’t know and ask them things.   I am hoping that my anxiety will eventually ebb, and maybe by the time I am ready to re-enter the work force I won’t have to filter my job search by phone use…

The Debt Monster

About two months ago I was looking at our budget and I thought to myself, “Things have got to change.” We can never seem to get ahead.  When we moved to Williamsburg the economy was just starting its downward spiral.  We went from making money every time we sold a house to not being able to sell our house.  We went from steady raises and big bonuses to no raises and smaller bonuses.  When we bought our house we bought down points and got an interest only loan.  It seemed smart at the time.  We didn’t plan on living in it for more than 5 years.  We had our sights set on a gated community.

Now reality…

We are not irresponsible with money.  We have never bought anything we couldn’t afford the payments for… but we also have always spent ALL of our money.  We always planned to put more away for retirement and save for the kid’s college, but unless we find a money tree, the likelihood of us finding hundreds of extra dollars isn’t too high.

So things needed to change.

We bought a book, started a debt snowball, and we are now about a year away from paying off all of our debt.  When that is done we will start seriously saving for retirement and the kid’s college funds.  While I am grateful that we are moving in the right direction, the only thing that I keep thinking is that I wish we had started this sooner.

This is why….

I will use my brother Christopher as an example… he is 25 years old.

If Christopher would like to retire at 65 he as 40 years to save for retirement.  If he would like to retire on, let's say 50,000 a year (which wouldn't go too far, but it is a round number) he would need 625,000 to have that amount per year when he retires.  In order to save that money he needs to put way 178.75 EVERY month until he is 65.  He SHOULD be contributing at least that into his 401K but it is important, even as young as he is, to open a Roth IRA as well.

Paul is closer to 40 years old.  We would like to retire on 100,000 a year (hopefully the house will be paid off by then).  That means we need a nest egg of $1,250,000.   If we want to retire with that amount we need to put $1313.75 away EVERY month... which honestly is not going to happen.  Do you see how important it is to save early?  If Christopher wanted the same retirement he would need to put 357.50 away every month....  We already put 400 a month away, but we are going to up that to 700.00 a month when our debt is paid off, which will give us about 60,000 a month when we retire.  Hopefully, when I start working again we will be able to put away more.

We also need to plan for college…. We have three children and I would like them to be able to go to school relatively debt free.    We will promise the kids 4 years of college and 15,000 every year.  If they want to spend more it will be on their dime. 

60,000 per kid…  249.48 a month for Ford, and 155 each for Grace and Lily.  We need to put away $560 a month for college. 

And the GRAND TOTAL is… $ 860 extra dollars a month for retirement and college savings.  Any money left over will be put in savings…. I guess the good news is that after our car is paid off we will have that much extra money to work with.  I just wish we had thought about all this sooner!

If you want more information about how we started our debt snowball look here..

Dave Ramsey

Bikini Body

 

Bikini Body

            This year I turn 30 years old.  I am a mother of three beautiful children and a wife to a wonderful husband.  This year I bought a bikini.  Every year my family goes on vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Ever since my son was born I have worn a one-piece bathing suit or a tankini, even though I find them uncomfortable and it is nearly impossible to find a full coverage bathing suit that doesn’t make me look like I am under 50.   

The truth is: I have horrible stretch marks.  

 I slathered on every advertised cream, drank tons of water, and watched my weight with my first pregnancy, but genetics can be stronger than will-power.  I was left with a beautiful baby boy and a completely scarred stomach.  Oh, how I cried when those first stretch marks appeared, somewhere in my 8^th month of pregnancy, and were quickly followed by many, many more.  I thought I was ruined.

            Now that I think back to my pre-pregnancy body I realize I was never satisfied with it either.  I was never skinny enough.  There was always some flaw I was desperate to be rid of.  If I had that body now I would be in 7^th heaven.  I guess that is the curse of youth.  Some time, a couple of months ago, I was looking in the mirror and I thought to myself, “This is the best you are going to look.  You might as well enjoy it.” So I decided to buy myself a bikini.   There are some that are likely to be horrified.  I certainly don’t look like a super model… or maybe I do.  Check out these pictures of “real” moms Cindy Crawford and Julia Roberts.  I am certainly not implying that moms without stretch marks  are not real… they are just very, very lucky.

Julia Roberts

 Cindy Crawford

Here are some pictures of me in a bathing suit.  The first one at the top of the post is from me when I was 15.  I was 19 in the picture directly below. The third was taken on my honeymoon when I was 22, and the fourth was taken the summer before I was married.  I am five months pregnant in the last at 27.

I remember being very upset for this picture, both before and after it was taken.  I thought that I looked fat.  I was convinced there were “rolls” on my stomach.

This picture was taken in Antigua on my honeymoon.  I did not let my husband take many pictures of me, but in this one I made sure that I had a sarong over the “fat parts”.  I wish I had known how lucky I was then.

In this picture I am 5 months pregnant with my 2^nd child.  I was pretty comfortable and confident in this bathing suit.   I wish I could have bottled that confidence for after my daughter was born.

I don’t write this as a pity party for me… more as an awakening that I am finally growing up and into my skin, literally.  I will be worried that someone is judging me, but at the same time I am proud of myself.  Now I won’t look back when I am 90 and wish that I had appreciated my 30 year old self.  30, consider yourself appreciated! FYI I will add a picture once I have a tan and a bikini I love.