Navigating the Minefields of Mommyland….

    A blog I read this morning got me thinking, “What is the hardest part of motherhood?”  In my opinion, it isn’t dirty diapers, lack of sleep, or the terrible twos.  My biggest challenges have come from navigating my relationships with other moms.  One conversation could leave me riddled with self-doubt, mommy guilt or self-righteous indignation.  You see, every mom has an opinion on just about every subject relating to their kids.  Motherhood brings all kinds of people together.  When I was in college my friends were people who shared my political views and read the same books.  Now my friends are mothers of children who are the same age as my children.  I follow the same rules with my friends that I would in most social situations.  Don’t talk about sex, money, politics, or religion.  So what does that leave me to talk about?  The weather and being a mom. I think most of the time it would be easier to talk about religion…

    What most men don’t seem to understand about the stay-at-home mom is that I look at mothering the same way that I looked at going to work. This is my job.  While I don’t get quarterly reviews or pay raises, I take this job just as seriously. I want to be the best, and it has taken me years to realize that, unlike with most jobs, my finished product is out of my control.

    Want to avoid some serious, uncomfortable arguments with fellow moms? Here are my top five seriously friendship damaging topics to NEVER bring up or share about:


1) Breastfeeding
Everyone asks this question: So are you breastfeeding or using formula?  You have to navigate this question carefully.  If you say something like, “Well of course I am breastfeeding, ‘Breast is best!’” and then you find out that the mom that asked the question bottle-fed or was not successful at breastfeeding you can offend and hurt that mom.  Breastfeeding is a sensitive topic.  For some women it is easy, and comments like, “It doesn’t hurt if you are doing it right” or “It is the most natural thing in the world” make moms that have had difficulties feel terrible and inadequate.  An insensitive mom might even make the comment that those that don’t breastfeed are just lazy and would be successful if they tried hard enough. 

My advice: don’t talk about breastfeeding at all unless someone asks you for advice.  Even then, don’t dwell on the subject until you know someone REALLY well.  For example:  I had a conversation with a mother I barely knew about breastfeeding.  I thought that it would be safe.  I knew she breastfed and I was currently breastfeeding my second child.  I made a comment about how I thought it was strange if someone breastfed after a child turned one.  Twenty minutes later that mother was breastfeeding her almost 2 year old.  I felt terrible.  Now I know women who breastfeed children well over that age and I don’t even bat an eye.  Who am I to tell them it is strange?

2) Sleep Habits
Moms have some serious mommy guilt over this one.  Basically there are two camps: those moms who subscribe to an attachment parenting point of view and those moms that use cry it out, or the Ferber method.  Some AP moms co-sleep and some do not, but they believe that comforting their child to sleep is very important.  Moms who believe in cry-it-out want the child to learn to self-soothe.  Not being an AP mom myself, this has caused me many nights of tears and frustration.  I don’t like to hear my child cry, but at some point I need to sleep.  What is important is to realize that all moms are trying to do what is best for their child and judgment doesn’t help in either situation.

3) Discipline- To Spank or Not to Spank
This topic is better left to the caregivers who know the child best.  If you venture in this territory be sure to wear a pith helmet.  Some mothers believe that spanking is abuse, and others do it in the supermarket with witnesses.  Most moms range somewhere in the middle, but probably won’t tell you that.  It is best to leave this one well enough alone…

4) Car Seats
The latest debate about car seats makes me yearn for the “good old days” when you could just turn your child front facing on their first birthday.  Now the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents wait until a child is at least two and 35 pounds.  Of course, that means I would have been in a rear facing car seat until I was in the third grade, but I understand that we should try to keep our children as safe as possible.  Moms don’t agree on this issue… and mentioning that you think their child should be in xyz car seat… is a recipe for disaster… or at least a demolished friendship.

5) The Birth Plan
If it is natural or medicated all births are essentially the same…. A baby is born.  If it were up to me every woman would have a doula and at least try for a natural birth.  Pitocin would NEVER be administered unless there was an emergency… but it isn’t up to me.  To each her own.   If you think that men can get into a pissing contest, you have never seen women compare their birth stories. 

There are lots of other issues that can cause major missteps, but these have caused me the most problems.  I found that once I stopped talking and actually started listening to other moms the more I respected them, whatever their parenting decisions.