There is a blog post that went around earlier this week entitled Marriage Isn't for You. While I applaud the writer who obviously poured his heart and soul into the post, I am troubled by the fact that it is so popular. In my opinion, giving marriage advice after a year and a half is like the parent of an 18 month old child giving parenting advice. I have been married for ten years and I would not even begin to give advice to other couples, because, like parenting, each relationship is different and needs different things. The premise of the original post is that marriage isn't for you, it is for the other person. Your job as a spouse is to love, support, and nurture the other person and to do so selflessly. I do agree that your job as a spouse is to love, nurture and support, but you can't do any of those things if you have not taken care of yourself first. One of the major pitfalls of marriage can be relying on your spouse to make you happy. The reality is: no one can make you happy, only you can make you happy.
As a younger woman I was selfless. I took care of my husband and my children and literally spent no time during the day thinking about myself or what would fulfill me as a person. Unfortunately what can happen in that situation, if you don't think about yourself, is that you become a non-person. People get the impression that you don't have needs or desires and that your happiness is derived from doing for other people. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy taking care of my family, it is my job, but it isn't ME. When my children leave the house or find their own diversions I refuse to be a mother that is left with nothing. I am (usually) happy to support my husband in his endeavors. But when a person is selfless it is easy for their spouse to believe that their endeavors also fulfill their partner.
The blog poster also recounted a time when he was selfish and resentful and his wife responded with love and understanding until he came to the realization that he should stop thinking about himself so much. In an 18 month marriage I imagine this period was short. It may have seemed interminable to his spouse, but in reality 18 months is no time at all. When you are married there can be months and years where one spouse doesn't think of the other the way they should. Is it a good idea, then, to respond with love and understanding for a couple of years while your spouse is selfish and resentful? I personally don't think so. When you get married you should do so with the person that "brings out the best in you". It is a tired cliche, but one that has survived for its inherent truth. My husband and I challenge each other to be the best versions of ourselves. That process can be painful, uncomfortable, and frustrating. The key for us is trying to love each other through that process.
Marriage is difficult. When the Bible was written the average life expectancy was that you would survive until your mid-thirties. So if you got married, as a woman, between the age of 12 and 14 you might get ten years of marriage if you didn't die in childbirth or your husband didn't die of old age at 35. To say that there are different challenges now to married couples is a huge understatement. I got married at 22, and if I live to be 72 that means I will have been married 50 years by the time I die. That is an incredibly long time to be with the same person. The idea that two people will be able to grow together and face the challenges of life for 50 years is an amazing idea. I am not saying that it is an insurmountable challenge, but certainly one that can not be considered easy. When I think of the challenges that my husband and I have faced in the first ten years: children, moving, unemployment, financial hardship, stressful family dynamics, it is overwhelming to think of 40 years.
We live in a society that isn't particularly honest about anything. We are inundated with images of romantic love that are, frankly, ridiculous. ( I can't even imagine how many marriages Nicholas Sparks and the Twilight Series have ruined.) When I am my most unhappy I am comparing myself to other people or wondering why my life isn't more like the fiction represented in books and on television. I am just now, at 32, starting to figure out what makes me happy, what fulfills me, and taking time for myself. I have to force myself to sit and think, slow down and breathe. When I take care of myself properly I am more patient with my family. When I get enough sleep I love my husband more. These are simple concepts, but difficult to implement in a world where everyone is in a competition to explain how little time they have. It is an excuse, one we need to escape the perfection that society requires. In my opinion the best way to live, especially as a married person, is to do the next right thing. Sometimes the next right thing is to call my husband and apologize for being short with him. Sometimes the next right thing is going to the gym. If I really search my heart I always know what the next right thing is: the challenge is doing it.
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