Marriage is for Me: a response

There is a blog post that went around earlier this week entitled Marriage Isn't for You.  While I applaud the writer who obviously poured his heart and soul into the post, I am troubled by the fact that it is so popular.  In my opinion, giving marriage advice after a year and a half is like the parent of an 18 month old child giving parenting advice.  I have been married for ten years and I would not even begin to give advice to other couples, because, like parenting, each relationship is different and needs different things.  The premise of the original post is that marriage isn't for you, it is for the other person.  Your job as a spouse is to love, support, and nurture the other person and to do so selflessly.  I do agree that your job as a spouse is to love, nurture and support, but you can't do any of those things if you have not taken care of yourself first.  One of the major pitfalls of marriage can be relying on your spouse to make you happy.  The reality is: no one can make you happy, only you can make you happy.  

As a younger woman I was selfless.  I took care of my husband and my children and literally spent no time during the day thinking about myself or what would fulfill me as a person.  Unfortunately what can happen in that situation, if you don't think about yourself, is that you become a non-person.  People get the impression that you don't have needs or desires and that your happiness is derived from doing for other people.  Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy taking care of my family, it is my job, but it isn't ME.  When my children leave the house or find their own diversions I refuse to be a mother that is left with nothing.  I am (usually) happy to support my husband in his endeavors.  But when a person is selfless it is easy for their spouse to believe that their endeavors also fulfill their partner.

The blog poster also recounted a time when he was selfish and resentful and his wife responded with love and understanding until he came to the realization that he should stop thinking about himself so much.  In an 18 month marriage I imagine this period was short.  It may have seemed interminable to his spouse, but in reality 18 months is no time at all.  When you are married there can be months and years where one spouse doesn't think of the other the way they should.  Is it a good idea, then, to respond with love and understanding for a couple of years while your spouse is selfish and resentful?  I personally don't think so.  When you get married you should do so with the person that "brings out the best in you".  It is a tired cliche, but one that has survived for its inherent truth.  My husband and I challenge each other to be the best versions of ourselves.  That process can be painful, uncomfortable, and frustrating.  The key for us is trying to love each other through that process.

Marriage is difficult.  When the Bible was written the average life expectancy was that you would survive until your mid-thirties.  So if you got married, as a woman, between the age of 12 and 14 you might get ten years of marriage if you didn't die in childbirth or your husband didn't die of old age at 35.  To say that there are different challenges now to married couples is a huge understatement.  I got married at 22, and if I live to be 72 that means I will have been married 50 years by the time I die.  That is an incredibly long time to be with the same person.  The idea that two people will be able to grow together and face the challenges of life for 50 years is an amazing idea.  I am not saying that it is an insurmountable challenge, but certainly one that can not be considered easy.  When I think of the challenges that my husband and I have faced in the first ten years: children, moving, unemployment, financial hardship, stressful family dynamics, it is overwhelming to think of 40 years.

We live in a society that isn't particularly honest about anything.  We are inundated with images of romantic love that are, frankly, ridiculous.  ( I can't even imagine how many marriages Nicholas Sparks and the Twilight Series have ruined.)  When I am my most unhappy I am comparing myself to other people or wondering why my life isn't more like the fiction represented in books and on television.  I am just now, at 32, starting to figure out what makes me happy, what fulfills me, and taking time for myself.  I have to force myself to sit and think, slow down and breathe.  When I take care of myself properly I am more patient with my family.  When I get enough sleep I love my husband more.  These are simple concepts, but difficult to implement in a world where everyone is in a competition to explain how little time they have.  It is an excuse, one we need to escape the perfection that society requires.  In my opinion the best way to live, especially as a married person, is to do the next right thing.  Sometimes the next right thing is to call my husband and apologize for being short with him.  Sometimes the next right thing is going to the gym.  If I really search my heart I always know what the next right thing is: the challenge is doing it.

10 Years Later

I got married a month after my 22nd birthday.  I had just graduated from college, never had a real job.  My husband was my third serious boyfriend and I met him when I was almost 19.  At the time, I felt like most college grads in their early twenties.  I knew everything.  If someone had told me not to get married so young, to take life's changes slowly, that there would be time enough, I would have pitied them.  They might have had problems and obstacles, but that would not happen to me.  I was too smart, too well prepared. I loved too much.  

If I could see that girl now, in some sci-fi back-to-the-future way, I think I would just shake my head and give her a hug.  There was nothing anyone could have said or done to prepare me for life.  I am a dive in and doggie paddle kind of girl.  Teaching kicked my ass.  Parenting is wonderful, but three children in 4 years does not add to anyone's sanity.  I wanted to have all of my children before I turned 30.  I needed to have a masters degree.  We needed to buy houses and cars.  If you try to tell someone in their twenties that all of those things really don't matter, that life is long and days are beautiful, they can't understand.

I remember my wedding day very clearly.  It was hot, and I was happy, but apprehensive.  I couldn't really eat and the limo driver made us late.  I waited outside the church for what seemed like an interminable time before it was my turn to walk down the isle.  I cried repeatedly, during the ceremony, during my vows, during speeches, during the father-daughter dance.  I was both happy and a little sad that my childhood was officially over.  It seems a little strange that 10 years later I feel like adulthood is really beginning.  10 years of limbo… packed full of emotions and milestones.  

When I look at my Facebook page I see hundreds of happy faces, happy families, perfect relationships, perfect children staring back at me.  I look at my own Facebook page and it looks the same.  I don't write about the truly difficult times because I know people don't really want to hear about them.  But that omission makes my Facebook, my photo album, my memories, in some ways, inauthentic.  It gives the impression that if you do things in a certain way that life will be perfect.  I find myself looking at friends who have been married the same length of time, or with children the same age as mine, and wonder what I am doing wrong that I don't look that happy all the time.  Lately, I look at those people who have moved recently and wonder how it is that they are so happy in a new place where they know no one and have to start all over.  But it is all an illusion.  Those people have their own struggles behind closed doors that don't make it on their Facebook page, just like mine stay hidden behind smiles and posts about fabulous weather.  

The truth is I don't know how I have stayed married 10 years, and I don't know if there is a secret formula for staying married 10 years more.  I love my husband and my children, but that is no recipe for success.  I am still trying to figure out who I am, and I really hope that in 10 years I will have a better idea.  I hope that my husband will continue to love me, even when I change.  I hope that my children will be happy and healthy.  I hope that they won't make the same mistakes I did unless they have to.  

The Natives Are Restless...

            My children do not tolerate isolation well.  I am trying to pace myself with setting up our new home, so I occasionally take breaks.  If  they see me inactive for more than two minutes the questions start.  “Can we go outside?” “Can we go to the park?”“Can we watch a movie?”.  Grace then always adds, “Is it snack time?”  I swear that child never does anything but think about food when she is bored.  And she is BORED.  When they are older I will be able to give them a task to do, but now at 3,4 and 7 years old, normal tasks can become dangerous.  Any cleaning tool can be a weapon, or a tool for disassembly as I am frantically trying to assemble. 

            During times like these, I fantasize about having some of those lobotomized children that can sit in front of the TV for hours.  I would settle for 20 minutes right now.  Yesterday, as I was cleaning I witnessed a zombie war, a family of very dysfunctional, whining children (none of them wanted to play the mom… hmmmm…), and hide and seek.  The only reason why I knew they were playing hide and seek was because as I was walking into the kitchen I heard a small voice say, “Hi mom,” and there was Lily curled up in an impossibly small shelf of the TV cabinet.  She had even managed to close the doors around her.  She had one of those triumphant preschool smiles, and I hated to dash her sense of accomplishment, but she was on a GLASS shelf.  I eased her out of the cabinet slowly and admonished her for climbing on the furniture, and immediately realized that if she was in the TV cabinet that the other kids might be hiding in even more dangerous places. However, they had forgotten about the game and left Lily in the cabinet to wait and figure out that they had moved on to some kind of spy game.

            While I love my kids, I am ready for school to start.  As I was cleaning the grout in my bathroom with a scrub brush and high-powered steam cleaner, I wondered how women did these kinds of chores in the 1950’s and 1960’s.  My grandmother had seven children.  How did she get anything done?  There were so many more chores too.  The clothes all had to be ironed, food made from scratch,  only ONE TV with no Netflix.  The thought is impossible.  I picture a Mad Men-esque scenario with Paul as Don Draper coming home from a long day.  He would expect food on the table, and that I would have showered.  I think I would have been institutionalized back then.   I guess now is not so bad, considering the shrieking coming from the playroom right now.  It certainly beats being expected to do my vacuuming in high heels…

the last year...

It has been a little over a year since my last post.  I don’t even know where to begin.  In April of 2012 our lives were turned upside-down.  My husband lost his job. 

Anyone who has been through this before knows the pain and anxiety that this brings.  We had a significant amount of money in the bank and renters for our home, so it was “easier” for us than it is for most people.  However, here we are, more than a year later, savings gone, house in short sale, living in a different state. 

When it became apparent that we were going to lose our health insurance and could not afford COBRA, which is horrifically expensive, I got a job teaching.  We figured it would take, maximum, six months for Paul to find a job.  Unfortunately, it took ten months.  There were many “final interviews”.  Paul was flown to Pennsylvania, Iowa, Georgia, Texas, Tennessee, and Wisconsin.  Each time we waited with baited breath to find out if he got the job, and each time we were disappointed. 

When Paul finally found a job he moved down to Georgia and I stayed in Virginia to finish my teaching contract. In retrospect it might have been better if I had followed him, but hind-sight is 20/20.  I learned what it is like to be a single working mom, something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It was the hardest, most demoralizing, frustrating thing I have ever done in my life.  We lost our renters in May because, though they signed a 4 year contract, in Virginia, military personnel can break their lease if the military moves them.  Civilians like us had to pay a break of lease fee and find renters for the home we were living in. 

We are still in the short sale process with our home.  It has also been a demoralizing, frustrating process.  The bank has no obligation to tell us anything.  They have requested paperwork, then more paperwork, then told us we have to be delinquent on our mortgage, then told us we have too much money, then told us to re-submit our paperwork.  I won’t know until September if they will even let us continue with the short sale.  

Through all of this I have learned some very valuable lessons, ones that I will carry with me my whole life.

1)   Life can get worse, even when it is bad.

2)   Life is not fair, and the hardest part is maintaining your own sense of morals and ethics even when people are not treating you properly.

3)   Not everyone will appreciate the sacrifices you make, so make them in the spirit that they are a gift for which you will receive no thanks.

4)   NEVER EVER judge someone based on your perceptions of them, especially single mothers and the unemployed.  You have no idea what they are going through.

I can’t tell you how much it hurt around the election when people would write Facebook updates about President Obama winning the election because all of the lazy unemployed people taking advantage of the system had plenty of time to vote, while ‘working’ people had to be at work.  Trust me, being unemployed is MUCH worse than holding a job. 

I got to be that mom that forgot to make cupcakes for my son’s class on his birthday.  I got to be that mom that the teachers chased down to sign a permission slip for a field trip I forgot about.

I got to be the mom who comes home from work with no energy or time for her own kids. 

My kids got to be the ones who could not buy the pictures from picture day because we couldn’t afford them.

My kids were the kids who didn’t go to birthday parties they were invited to at school because we couldn’t afford to buy presents.

I learned many lessons, and I am still learning.  To be honest I am ready to let someone else learn lessons for a little while.  I need a break.

My Perfect Vacation

I have recently spent a lot of time fantasizing what it would be like to get a break.  Living in such close quarters certainly makes quiet time to myself a valued commodity.  I love my children, however, they are little energy vampires, and by the time I put them to bed I am completely wiped out.  I remember watching “Date Night” and Tina Fey’s character described a mother’s fantasy.  She wanted to eat lunch in a hotel room with no one touching her.  Right now that sounds perfect…

When you ask a parent if they are taking a vacation, please assume they are taking it without children.  Going out of town with children qualifies as a "trip", not a vacation.  If you are those nauseating parents that have "vacations" with their children and couldn't imagine having fun without them, I don't want to hear about it.  My children are a lot of fun, but coordinating naps, sleeping arrangements, potty time and food for a 6, 3, and 2 year old is a logistical nightmare.  Goodness knows I forget things at home, and when we leave the house it is even worse.  No, for me a vacation is without children...and in this case without a husband too.

My dream vacation:

Day 1: Arrive at my destination with the knowledge that my kids are healthy, happy, and well cared for.  I would then like to turn off my cell phone for the remainder of the trip.  I would like to remove all the clocks and disable my email.  I don’t want anyone or anything telling me what to do.  I would like to spend the rest of this day in silence.  I don’t want to talk or have anyone talk to me.  I want to be still and quiet and read a book.

Day 2: On my second day of vacation I want to do something outside.  I love hiking and I would love to try kayaking.  I want to do this until I am too tired to continue. 

Day 3: The third ideal day would just consist of eating.  I would like really good food where I don’t even consider the calories. I would also like to go to a beauty salon where I can get my hair cut. My hair is currently a nightmare.

Day 4: Take a really long yoga class and get a massage.  Return home to a clean house.

I am a simple person.  I don’t need anything fancy or expensive to make me happy.  Right now silence and stillness are worth more to me than anything I could buy.  This has been the most difficult year of my life.  I am grateful for all of my blessings, but I am aware that all of the change and sacrifice have taken a toll on me.  When the tide turns there will be new difficulties to replace the old ones, and I hope to be able to accept them with grace, if I am not in the loony bin by then.

A Little Christmas Fun: Top 7 Creepiest/Awkward Christmas Traditions

Another blog by a fellow mom made me think of this list:

My Top 7 Creepiest/Awkward Christmas Traditions: (In no particular order)

The song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”: 

This song is on a CD of Christmas music that I listen to with my kids, and now I have an urge to toss it out the window.  My children are completely confused by this song.  My 5 year old wants to know if the song his about me, his mommy, or about another mommy.  He is extremely concerned that I could be kissing anyone but his father.  My 3 year old has it in her head that it is the father that sees the mother and Santa kissing, so I am picturing a shotgun situation every time she asks questions about it like, “Why is the daddy creeping down the stairs?”

The Elf on the Shelf: 

We have one, and I like that my kids behave better when he is here, but I still think he is creepy.  I am old enough to know that he is not really watching me, but I have seen too many horror movies to really be sure….

The song, “Baby It’s Cold Outside”:

 I truly believe this is a song about a man putting ruphies in a woman’s drink.  Here is an excerpt with the really disturbing part in bold.  For those who are not familiar with the song, the woman is singing the first line and the creepy man is singing the part in parenthesis.

My mother will start worry
                   (Beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor
                   (Listen to the fireplace roar.)
So really I'd better scurry,
                  (Beautiful please don't hurry.)       Once the flattery doesn’t work…
but maybe just a half a drink more.
                  (Put some records on while I pour.)
The neighbors might faint
                  (Baby it's bad out there.)               He moves on to warning her….
Say what's in this drink?
                 (No cabs to be had out there.)
I wish I knew how
                (Your eyes are like starlight now.)   Meaning, the drugs are working…
to break this spell.

Run. Get some help!

I believe that after this song is over she passes out and my only hope is that her pacing father gets in the car to look for her…

Sitting on Santa’s Lap:

In the days of yesteryear, when people trusted one another, and the culture of fear we Americans have cultivated was still in the future (Thank you Dateline and 20/20… seriously, everything can kill you.), taking your child to sit on a strange man’s lap seemed like the thing to do right before Christmas.  Now, even though Santa might have the best of intentions, I can’t help but feel strange about putting my child on his lap.  I don’t know him… and I am always telling my children not to talk to strangers, but here I am putting my children in Santa’s arms.  Not only that but then I have to pay $20 for a picture of the whole strange situation.

Secret Santa:

Now this tradition is not quite creepy, just awkward as far as I am concerned.  Usually you end up pulling the name of someone you don’t really know very well and then you have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what to get said person that doesn’t require you to spend a ridiculous amount of money.  I know there are some terrific secret Santas out there, but I am not one of them.  I know the recipients of my gifts have always been a little confused, maybe even annoyed… like “What was she thinking?”  Can’t we just buy gifts for our friends and families, people we supposedly know and be done with it?

The Office Christmas Party:

 When I was a teacher, our “office” Christmas party was $25 a head (tacky) and “Santa” was the principal who was WAY to interested in people sitting on his lap.  I am sure there are places where people like their co-workers enough to spend $50 on a crappy dinner and sexual harassment, but I have never worked there.   I really feel like there are very few situations where imbibing alcohol with your boss is a great decision, especially since the invention of Facebook.  Wouldn’t most people like to get a check for their share of the expense of the party and then be done with it?  I know I would.  Then maybe I could buy a dress for the party with my friends. 

Reindeer Poop/ Snowman Poop:

Someone actually gave me Reindeer poop last year as a gag/fun gift.  Gag is right!  I understand that other people are probably a lot more fun than I am, but I can not bring myself to eat something fashioned to look like feces.  To each his own, right?  What is next? Easter Bunny poop?  Should I start giving bags of raisins to friends as family as an Easter gift?  I really think there are some things that should just be left well enough alone.

So if you have any ideas about other creepy traditions I would LOVE to hear them!

How we did it…paying off $32,800 in 10 months…

I have had lots of requests for more information about how we paid off our debt in less than a year.  There are lots of financial gurus out there.  We picked Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover as our template for success.  I had heard good things, and I liked that it focused on giving back.  We also enrolled in Financial Peace University, a 12-week class that helps people with no financial background understand things like investing and retirement plans.  I was an English major in college and graduate school, so I never took a business class.  Looking back I definitely wish that I had…

Dave Ramsey suggests that you start your Total Money Makeover by putting away $1000 in the bank.  We already had close to $10,000 sitting in our savings account and were really uncomfortable parting with all of it, so we decided to keep $5000 in the account at all times.  That left us $4000.00 to start paying off our debt.

Budgeting has become a monthly activity in our house.  Paul and I both participate, that way the ownership of our budget is on both of us.  I still pay all of our bills online, but I pay for almost everything else with cash.  There have been studies that prove that it is harder to spend cash then it is to put something on a debit card.  It is even easier to put something on a credit card.  I have envelopes that contain my budgeted amount for each category, like food and medical expenses, and I do not use my debit card except for gas at the pump.

1.     We sold our van.  I had a nice Toyota Sienna with all of the bells and whistles.  I LOVED the van, but we owed $15,000 on it, which was way more money than we had in the bank.  Paul took the van to Richmond and sold it returning with a 2001 Honda Odessey that he paid for in cash.  It is not the car of my dreams but it runs very well and is reliable, which is what is really important.

2.     We used the money that we paid every month for the car payment, around $300 to start paying off our debt.   We also cancelled our cable, which saved us $100 a month.   Our budgeting helped us to save an additional $300 a month, mostly through cutting back on Starbucks, my Target addiction, and eating out.  That $700 a month was applied to our debts in this order.

-       $1200 on a Best Buy credit card

-       $4500 for Ford’s school tuition at OLMC

-       $6,000 in student loans for my graduate degree

-       $8,129 on Paul’s car

3.     We went through our exemptions and changed them to make sure we would get a reduced tax return at the end of the year.  This added about $300 to Paul’s paycheck at the end of the month.  We used our tax return from 2010 to pay Ford’s school tuition in cash.  So with the $1000 between our past cuts and exemptions we just plugged away at our debt.  We also used Paul’s bonus this year to finish off paying for his car. 

4.     Our last source of extra income was to decide to move out of our home and move, temporarily, into the apartment over my in-laws garage.   We have been so blessed to have the opportunity to save this money. 

Paying off our debt is far from the last step.  Our budget, like a good diet, is with us for life.  We put away $100 a month for car repairs, $100 a month for Christmas gifts, $40 a month to pay for our property taxes at the end of the year, and the list goes on.  We are spending the next two years saving money so we can put 20% down on a house with a reasonable mortgage.  Eventually we will sell our home in Williamsburg, but not until the economy recovers and we can break even on it.  When we finish saving money for our new home we will begin:

A.     Investing in our retirement - $700 a month

B.     Putting away money for the kids’ college- $500 a month

C.     Paying off our mortgage- ????

The goal is that we will be able to live with the security that we can retire and send our children to college without the heartache that many people are living with. 

This fasting period from spending has really helped me to see a few things more clearly.  First… I miss my dishwasher.  I will never take that for granted again.  But on a more serious note, the consumerism in our country is OUT OF CONTROL.  I look back and see that I was just waiting for that next thing to spend money on.  It feels good to have the latest electronics, a really nice car and expensive clothes.  I don’t think that I was irresponsible, but in the long run that nice feeling was outweighed by the frustrating desperation that we were trapped in a situation where we would never be able to save money for the kids’ college or put away something extra for retirement. 

I would always have that sick feeling in my stomach as I paid for a cart full of things at Target that were a great price on sale, but that I really didn’t need.   I was so tired of feeling guilty about spending money on myself.  Now I have a clothing allowance and BLOW (money that you get to spend on yourself) every month, so the guilt has vanished.  The kids have a clothing allowance too, so I don’t need to stress when they suddenly don’t fit in any of their shoes, or they decide to grow mid-season.  The fact that I know we have money socked away so that we can pay for car repairs when they come up, or new tires if we need them, helps me to sleep at night where before I would lay awake and stress about our savings account that never seemed to grow. We give away more money now then we spent on my van payment last year.  Why?  Because we have more than enough…