People Who Steal Your Money… or Write Books on Parenting…

            I have literally spent HUNDREDS of dollars on parenting books.  I bought books about getting my children to sleep, ADHD, discipline, and how to care for your baby/toddler/preschooler.  With my second child, Grace, I think I bought seven books about sleep techniques. (She didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until she was 6 months old.) Some of them promised me that my child would sleep in days; some stated that if I let her cry she would be damaged forever.  One book, The Baby Whisperer, implied, rather snarkily I might add, that I was a lazy parent because I could not do the method she swore would work, and didn’t.  The "pick up, put down" method, according to this book, ensures that your child always feel safe.  So every time they cry in the crib you pick them up, and when they settle down you put them down.  Supposedly, after time, the child finds confidence that you are there and sleeps.  Or you pick them up and put them down until you cry, which is what I did.  I have to honestly say I tried this method for three days and did it until I cried, so for two and a half or three hours each time, and my child never gained confidence, but I certainly lost sanity.  The author's next suggestion was that I actually sleep in the crib with her, so that book was permanently put down.

           I am sure SOME of these books work some of the time, but my opinion, as a mother of three kids who has read most of the books on the market is that they are full of sh$t.  I do not use that kind of language lightly, but I would like my money back.  What many parents do not understand is that most of these books are not written to help parents, but to make money.  They imply that you are stupid, incompetent, or worse so that you feel you “need” the advice they have given.  What parents should realize, and what I didn’t understand until I had spent the money, is that you really don’t have to have ANY qualifications to write a book on child rearing.  I was surprised to see how many of the books I purchased about discipline were written by PhD’s who used lab experiments to prove their methods.  Seriously. 

            Here are some books that I WOULD recommend.

Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Sleepsense by Dana Obleman

I could write the list of books I thought were rubbish, but there are too many to name.  Some of them might even work on different kids, but not on mine…

The ONLY ingredient that I think will help parents to get through difficult situations with their children is humor.  I ran across a fabulous book today entitled, Go the F*ck to Sleep.  It really addresses the stress and frustration most parents feel when they are sleep deprived.  If sleep deprivation doesn’t make you very angry, this book will not be nearly as funny for you.  The best part is you can find it on youtube.com  read by Samuel L. Jackson. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeKxIaG_f_c

Make sure your kids are asleep before you turn this on though.  The language is terrible.

I looked up Go the F*ck to Sleep on Amazon.com and it recommended other titles I found equally amusing and lighthearted.  I will also be reading, Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation by Elizabeth Beckwith.  I am Catholic after all…

My advice, and this comes completely free, is that you know your child best.  Don’t buy a book to give you permission to do what you think will work with your child.  We live in a day and age where EVERYONE has an opinion about how you raise your kids.  Before the deluge of parenting books, moms fed their babies how they wanted to, potty trained when they wanted to, and didn’t worry about what the “experts” would think.  Guess what? The experts never raised your kid…

Please don’t say…

Here are my top 10 things NOT to say to a mom, stay-at-home or otherwise in no particular order:

1) You have the hardest job in the world.

There are VERY few people who actually say this sincerely, and it is patronizing to pay lip service to a woman who has chosen to stay home with her children.  Trust me, I have a couple of degrees, I know what a hard job is.  If someone truly understands the 24-7 nature of parenthood, the demand on parents today to give their children everything, and the complete lack of unaccompanied potty breaks then they don’t really use this phrase.  They usually say, “I remember having  ___ kids under 5. It was tough, but totally worth it.”

2) Boy you have your hands full.

Thank you, I know that I have several children with me and they may, or may not, all be paying attention at the same time.  I don’t know if you have ever tried to herd cats, but it is roughly the same concept.  If you want to tell me I have beautiful children, or that you think they are smart or funny, please do.  I can take a compliment any time, but responding to your comment just about hits the limit of my multi-tasking abilities.

3) You look great for having three kids.

CRINGE!  I don’t know how to take this comment.  I know that it is usually sincere, but comes off as a back-handed compliment.   Do you mean that I look a little fat, but that is OK because I have had three kids? When I hear this comment a little voice inside my head says, “Now that I know you have had three children it seems acceptable that you look the way you do.”  Every time I hear it I want to go buy a gym membership I can’t afford and some really sexy high heels.

4) I don’t believe in medicating children.

I think it is FABULOUS that you don’t feel the need to medicate your children.  Please feel blessed that they do not have any difficulties that require medication.  However, until you have walked in the shoes of a woman who has made the decision to medicate her child, I would suggest that this remain an unspoken opinion.  You have not cried with her on a particularly bad day, or felt her exasperation when every other child is able to do something her child cannot.  You have not read every book on the disorder in question and tried every parenting technique to the point that your bedside table looks like the childrearing section at Barnes and Noble.  Because if you had done all of these things I am pretty sure you would at least have enough compassion not to make this statement.

5) I hate it when people post everything their kids do on Facebook.

First of all, I am not interested in everything everyone else posts on Facebook either.  Once you become a mother your life revolves around your children, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom.  From 8am-7pm most days I spend about 30min total with another adult.  I can’t talk on the phone much because the kids go crazy.  Play dates are great, but I spend most of my time taking care of the kids rather than visiting with other moms.  The same goes with the park.  I am starved for a little adult time, so if my pathetic attempts to “talk” to my friends on Facebook are ridiculed by those who think my day is boring, t,hen I suggest those people with more “important” lives remove me from their friends lists.

6) Are those all YOUR kids?

I never know why people feel the need to ask this question.  I am talking about strangers now, not people I am having a conversation with.  Most days I have four children under 6 with me.  I don’t think that is a crazy number of children, though it is out of the ordinary, especially in Williamsburg.  Why people need a lengthy explanation of which children are mine and how old they are in the middle of the supermarket I will never understand. 

7) How old are you?

When did it become appropriate to ask a lady her age?  Seriously… why in the world does the random guy at Chick-fil-a want to know how old I am?

8) Are you STILL breastfeeding?

This is usually prompted by my one-year-old frantically pulling at my shirt yelling, “May may”.  Yes, is apparently not a good enough answer.  People then want to know when I am going to wean her.  I usually tell them that I am aiming to have her off the breast by college and then they shut up.

9) Are you done having children?

Why do people want to know about my husband’s vasectomy or the status of my uterus?  I can understand a friend asking this question… but it is kind of personal for people to want to know about my sex life after having talked to them for 5 minutes.

10) And you still had more children?

I don’t have the easiest kids in the world.  They aren’t blobs; they aren’t particularly good listeners and they are very active.  But YES I had more children even though my first was active and not a good sleeper.  I had more children even though my second was difficult to breastfeed and milk protein intolerant.  I love EVERYTHING about my kids, even the stuff that drives me crazy… and I would have more children if it weren’t for that damn vasectomy….

Supermom Has Left the Building….

           It seems to me that every mom I know is harried.  It doesn’t matter if she works or stays at home, her life has some element of chaos.  I find myself standing in the shower, when I am able to get one in the morning, contemplating all the things that I need to do during the day, and then during the week, and it is just impossible.  Some days I don’t want to answer the phone or check my email because it might contain just one more thing I need to do, or forgot to do, and since I am teetering on the edge, I might fall over.   I don’t know what is over the edge exactly, but if it is less chaotic than where I am standing now, I might have to take the plunge. 

            My mornings this summer are much easier than when I have to drive a child to preschool.  By 9am I have 3 kids dressed and fed and another one dropped off at the house.  If I want to get any housework done I have to do it while Lily is napping around 10am until she wakes up.  When she does get up I have about an hour to an hour and a half to run any errands that need to get done or take the kids to the park or library.  At 12:30pm I make five lunches, feed four kids and put three down for naps.  Ford takes a rest and I am exhausted.  I clean up after three meals a day, make three, try to do laundry, clean the bathrooms, go grocery shopping, dust (well not really, but in theory), vacuum, clean the hardwood floors, run errands...

            As I write it all out it doesn’t seem like a lot of work.  I can’t add in the countless interruptions, both good and bad.  Grace wants me to play tea party. Ford needs some help with his pirate ship.  A child is having a melt down because something is not going the way they want it to (I must admit sometimes it isn’t the child but mommy having that meltdown). 

            Lately I have been wondering what it would be like not to be harried.  If things just got done when they got done and I just stopped worrying about doing everything “right”.  I wonder what it would be like to just let go of that last little scrap of control I have been holding on to, trust that everything is going to be all right, and fall.  I want to remember my time with my kids as something really special. 

            When I look back on my week I can add up about 3 total hours that I spent on myself.  This does not include sleeping or eating, but pure ME time.  I get this time, usually in 10-15 minute spurts, sometimes it is just a cup of coffee before the kids get up in the morning.  Last night I went to the movies with my sister.  That kind of time is the most precious.  Usually my ME time out of the house is at Trader Joes or Target.  The movie wasn’t fantastic, but the company was… and it made me feel like an adult again.

            There are big changes coming… super big… (and no I am not pregnant again, so don’t ask).  Hopefully our lives will move towards that not-harried, peaceful, Zen-like experience that I need for our family.  The theme of this year is: Simplify… I have a herd of gazelles grazing in my yard (if you don’t understand this reference that is OK, but you might want to check out Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover) and a serious plan to peace….  I don’t want to be Supermom anymore.  When I tell people about my life their eyes get wide and they say, “Wow… I don’t know how you do it.”  I don’t know how I do it either, and it is usually a survival of the fittest situation.  Instead I want people to say, “Wow… that sounds like a great week.” … and mean it…

What not to wear, or what to wear…..

            I come to you, valued readers, for some really important advice.  I have been pregnant or breastfeeding since March of 2008, and here we are, in 2011, and I find that I am almost 30, the mother of three small children, with no idea how to dress myself.  Grace, at 2, has more fashion sense than I do.  She knows exactly what she wants to wear every morning.  “Mommy, I wear a princess dress- a pretty dress for a princess.”  When I got married I dressed primarily from Ann Taylor Loft since that is pretty much the young teacher’s uniform store.  Every time I walk in there now I shudder a little to myself.  My husband thinks I dress like a child, but caring for babies is hard work, and I don’t know how to do it in a skirt.  My uniform is usually a tank top, jeans and flip flops… sometimes sneakers if I know I will be walking a lot.  This is not a sexy uniform.  I am not interested in being sexy most of the time, but now and then I would like to look a little more “put together”.

            So the question is…. Where do you shop as a 30 year old mother-of-three?  I have lost all the baby weight from #3, so all of my “fat” clothes are too big.  My clothes from before all my children look ridiculous.  I basically need an entirely new wardrobe.  I really wish there were a service out there that could just tell me what to wear.  I am not interested in being creative or standing out of the crowd.  I just want to look pretty.  I guess my only option is to go wander around the outlets going from store to store… too young, too old… and then buying my kids some new clothes because at least they always look cute…

Telephobia...

My mother and sisters are afraid of spiders.  I don’t really mind them if they aren’t crawling on me.  My brother is afraid of people who don’t make maintaining themselves a priority. My husband is afraid of vegetables.  We all have our fears.  The thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies is the phone.  I hate it and I am afraid of it.  There are more people with telephobia out there than you might think. Here are my top 5 reasons why:

5. There is no escape. The cell phone can reach you anywhere.  In the past, when I wanted to avoid someone or a responsibility, I could just stay away from the house and they could call and leave messages, which isn’t the same as saying “no” on the phone.  Most of the time I have to mentally prepare myself to make or receive certain phone calls.  Cell phone calls are kind of like a sneak attack.  I have trouble saying “no”.  Some people can say this word without even thinking about it.  I have found that I can only say it on special occasions and rarely on the phone.

4. Phone stalking.  Everyone has their personal phone stalker.  Sometimes it is that friend that just calls and calls, and other people are married to them.  Sometimes when I am alone I want to be ALONE and the phone makes that impossible.  Rather than take the hint that I have not answered the phone, these lovely individuals just call repeatedly until they get through.

3. I count rings… When I was in high school I worked at a Chinese restaurant called the Lilac Blossom.  The boss was a total tyrant and used fear and humiliation to get us to work harder.  When you were a hostess you were only allowed to let the phone ring three times.  If it rang more than that you KNEW she was going to be right around the corner to tell you how lazy you were, [loudly] “Izbae (she couldn’t pronounce Elizabeth), whya your sista smarrta than you?  What you do up there?  Maybe I call your sista and she do your job? The phone ring 4 times, disturb whole restaurant, you answer right away.”  So at home, when I am running for the phone, I am counting wondering if a short, dictatorial Chinese woman is going to pop out of one of my closets if I don’t answer it in three rings.

2. You can’t read people over the phone.  They say that 80% of communication is visual.  You can see people’s expressions and their eyes to see if they are agreeing with you or just paying you lip service.   I put my foot in my mouth constantly and I count on visual cues to let me know that I need to apologize, retract my statement, or retreat.

1.  I learned it from my mom!  Ok, so we blame a lot of things on our parents, but this one I can definitely claim.  When we were little it was our job to answer the phone.  I don’t think my mom ever did it.  We had to say, “Hello, this is the Rennix residence, how may I help you?”  We would then tell my mother who was calling, since the phone was rarely for us.  I think we eventually saw that my mother would tense up when she was on the phone and use her “mom on the phone” voice.  When I was older I could even tell who she was on the phone with based on how natural her voice was.  I think every mom masters that transition of, “(angry/frustrated) Haven’t I told you… ring ring… never to… ring ring… climb on the furniture.  Go to your room…ring ring… (sweetly) hello?”  I will say that caller ID has made phones much easier to navigate, but I always feel terrible when I screen a call…

So now that everyone I know that reads this blog knows I am neurotic, and that it is my mother’s fault, I am ready to overcome my fear.  On Friday I will officially become a Pampered Chef consultant, and I will have to use the phone every day to call people I don’t know and ask them things.   I am hoping that my anxiety will eventually ebb, and maybe by the time I am ready to re-enter the work force I won’t have to filter my job search by phone use…

The Debt Monster

About two months ago I was looking at our budget and I thought to myself, “Things have got to change.” We can never seem to get ahead.  When we moved to Williamsburg the economy was just starting its downward spiral.  We went from making money every time we sold a house to not being able to sell our house.  We went from steady raises and big bonuses to no raises and smaller bonuses.  When we bought our house we bought down points and got an interest only loan.  It seemed smart at the time.  We didn’t plan on living in it for more than 5 years.  We had our sights set on a gated community.

Now reality…

We are not irresponsible with money.  We have never bought anything we couldn’t afford the payments for… but we also have always spent ALL of our money.  We always planned to put more away for retirement and save for the kid’s college, but unless we find a money tree, the likelihood of us finding hundreds of extra dollars isn’t too high.

So things needed to change.

We bought a book, started a debt snowball, and we are now about a year away from paying off all of our debt.  When that is done we will start seriously saving for retirement and the kid’s college funds.  While I am grateful that we are moving in the right direction, the only thing that I keep thinking is that I wish we had started this sooner.

This is why….

I will use my brother Christopher as an example… he is 25 years old.

If Christopher would like to retire at 65 he as 40 years to save for retirement.  If he would like to retire on, let's say 50,000 a year (which wouldn't go too far, but it is a round number) he would need 625,000 to have that amount per year when he retires.  In order to save that money he needs to put way 178.75 EVERY month until he is 65.  He SHOULD be contributing at least that into his 401K but it is important, even as young as he is, to open a Roth IRA as well.

Paul is closer to 40 years old.  We would like to retire on 100,000 a year (hopefully the house will be paid off by then).  That means we need a nest egg of $1,250,000.   If we want to retire with that amount we need to put $1313.75 away EVERY month... which honestly is not going to happen.  Do you see how important it is to save early?  If Christopher wanted the same retirement he would need to put 357.50 away every month....  We already put 400 a month away, but we are going to up that to 700.00 a month when our debt is paid off, which will give us about 60,000 a month when we retire.  Hopefully, when I start working again we will be able to put away more.

We also need to plan for college…. We have three children and I would like them to be able to go to school relatively debt free.    We will promise the kids 4 years of college and 15,000 every year.  If they want to spend more it will be on their dime. 

60,000 per kid…  249.48 a month for Ford, and 155 each for Grace and Lily.  We need to put away $560 a month for college. 

And the GRAND TOTAL is… $ 860 extra dollars a month for retirement and college savings.  Any money left over will be put in savings…. I guess the good news is that after our car is paid off we will have that much extra money to work with.  I just wish we had thought about all this sooner!

If you want more information about how we started our debt snowball look here..

Dave Ramsey

Bikini Body

 

Bikini Body

            This year I turn 30 years old.  I am a mother of three beautiful children and a wife to a wonderful husband.  This year I bought a bikini.  Every year my family goes on vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Ever since my son was born I have worn a one-piece bathing suit or a tankini, even though I find them uncomfortable and it is nearly impossible to find a full coverage bathing suit that doesn’t make me look like I am under 50.   

The truth is: I have horrible stretch marks.  

 I slathered on every advertised cream, drank tons of water, and watched my weight with my first pregnancy, but genetics can be stronger than will-power.  I was left with a beautiful baby boy and a completely scarred stomach.  Oh, how I cried when those first stretch marks appeared, somewhere in my 8^th month of pregnancy, and were quickly followed by many, many more.  I thought I was ruined.

            Now that I think back to my pre-pregnancy body I realize I was never satisfied with it either.  I was never skinny enough.  There was always some flaw I was desperate to be rid of.  If I had that body now I would be in 7^th heaven.  I guess that is the curse of youth.  Some time, a couple of months ago, I was looking in the mirror and I thought to myself, “This is the best you are going to look.  You might as well enjoy it.” So I decided to buy myself a bikini.   There are some that are likely to be horrified.  I certainly don’t look like a super model… or maybe I do.  Check out these pictures of “real” moms Cindy Crawford and Julia Roberts.  I am certainly not implying that moms without stretch marks  are not real… they are just very, very lucky.

Julia Roberts

 Cindy Crawford

Here are some pictures of me in a bathing suit.  The first one at the top of the post is from me when I was 15.  I was 19 in the picture directly below. The third was taken on my honeymoon when I was 22, and the fourth was taken the summer before I was married.  I am five months pregnant in the last at 27.

I remember being very upset for this picture, both before and after it was taken.  I thought that I looked fat.  I was convinced there were “rolls” on my stomach.

This picture was taken in Antigua on my honeymoon.  I did not let my husband take many pictures of me, but in this one I made sure that I had a sarong over the “fat parts”.  I wish I had known how lucky I was then.

In this picture I am 5 months pregnant with my 2^nd child.  I was pretty comfortable and confident in this bathing suit.   I wish I could have bottled that confidence for after my daughter was born.

I don’t write this as a pity party for me… more as an awakening that I am finally growing up and into my skin, literally.  I will be worried that someone is judging me, but at the same time I am proud of myself.  Now I won’t look back when I am 90 and wish that I had appreciated my 30 year old self.  30, consider yourself appreciated! FYI I will add a picture once I have a tan and a bikini I love.